Fighting My Demons & Finding Myself

February 08, 2018


I was a bright and bubbly kid back in the days. My Mom and the other people close to us would treat me like a princess. They would always give me presents on my birthday and even on ordinary days. I grew up thinking that they like me that much but I guess I was wrong. They love my Mom, not me. Growing up for me might look easy as it seems to others because they thought I have "everything". Little did they know I struggled to fight my 'demons' ever since I was a kid. But don't get me wrong, I love my Mom so much and I owe everything to her.

"Naku yung anak ni Ma'am Lai, masyadong spoiled!"

I grew up hearing people labeling me as a spoiled brat just because my Mom won't let me clean our house, wash my clothes or even the dishes. My Mom would always throw a birthday party for me and we always go out on a date. In addition to that, most people think that my Mom bought me everything I wanted. Yes, I admit that I am into material things before but you probably didn't know what my Mom taught me as time went by. I really hate it when I hear people label me as a spoiled brat. I was an only child. What would you expect? People who said that must be envious. I ignored all the things I heard just because, of course, I was too young to explain myself. Just because my Mom raised me in a different way, it doesn't mean you are all entitled to judge me that way.

I also grew up with a broken family. My parents are not married. My Mom was a single parent. It was not a big deal for me at first. I was okay with it as long as I am with my Mom. But my Mom introduced my Dad for the first time when I was four or five years old. I was happy that time, really happy, and I felt complete. At least I knew who my Dad was. My Mom explained to me everything as I grew up. I did not hate my Dad. I just knew I love him. However, I heard a lot of things again from the people around us.

"Did your Dad gave you money?"
"Why aren't you getting any financial support from him?"
"Does he even love you?"

Even though my Mom would always say positive things about my Dad, I listened to those people with their shits and it provoked the hatred in me. I went to high school with the perspective that I should hate my Dad. I was naive and easy to believe what other people would say. That was when I started to feel lost. I had a lot of friends back then. I was still the bubbly and cheeky kid on the outside but there were times that I hurt myself physically. I cut myself and I became really emotional. I don't know but I just felt really lost. About me, myself, as a person. But on my last year in high school, I forgot those things. Thanks to my friends who always makes me laugh and keeps me busy. That was also the longest time that I've never seen my Dad but we still have communication that time.

"May boyfriend na daw yung anak ni Ma'am Lai!"
"Naku, maagang mabubuntis yan!"

I'm not really sure why the people love to judge others. We were in first-year college when Joseph and I started dating. I was so shy to say it to my Mom but one classmate of mine told her that I already have a boyfriend. I thought she's going to be mad about it but she didn't. I know my Mom approves him because she knows he has a good heart.

I thought everything is already going well. Not until my Mom was diagnosed with late-stage cancer. I was just 19 years old at that time. It happened so fast. My Mom retired at the age of 65. She was 66 when was operated for knee arthroplasty and was diagnosed with cancer. She died at the age of 67. I knew many people had a great sympathy for me. Before my Mom died, I let go of the hate. I forgave my Dad and also myself for letting my emotions control me. I love my Dad for who he is.

Many things happened after my Mom passed away. Some people promised to be there and help me. Instead, most of them left me hanging and some even pressured me. Some people even started more rumors about me. I already forgave those people, but I don't forget. I won't ever forget what they did to my Mom and what they did to me. Some are even my relatives. Oops!

I continued my studies and my life. I enrolled for my last year in college with the money that my Mom left me. During my junior internship, I was assigned to the hospital where my Mom was diagnosed with cancer. And on my senior internship, I was assigned to the hospital where my Mom had knee arthroplasty. What a coincidence! It was kinda hard at first because I always think of her. What made it harder for me is when a rumor about me started. I was not the bubbly and cheeky girl anymore. That part of me already died. I don't know why but just like before, I just ignored those rumors and did not say anything. I lost my college friends. No regrets! At least I know that they are not worth it. I continued as if I did not hear anything. Other people would think that I have attitude problem. Well, I don't care!

"Kinulang ka sa dasal kaya ka hindi pumasa sa board exam!"
"Bobo ka naman kaya ka hindi pumasa sa board exam mo!"

After graduating college, I reviewed for our licensure examination. This is where I was totally felt lost, again. If you think it is easy, I'm telling you it is not. I was happy because my boyfriend passed but I am sad even more because I did not make it. I cried so hard. I even heard a lot of hurtful words from my relatives. I did not expect it. I tried to be strong and moved on. I got a job after a month. I was okay with it not until the people around me (again) judged me.

"Bakit sa (insert company name here) ka lang?"
"Cashier ka lang?"

People are so full of themselves. I was hired as a manager assistant, not a cashier. But there are times that I do the jobs as a sales associate and a cashier just because I had to learn those tasks and we lack employees that time. Here's the reality people! If you're going to apply even on malls, most of the employers want a college graduate even if you're applying for a cashier, etc. That's the reality here in the Philippines. People will go through a lot of things before he/she gets hired. Then, you're just going to belittle them? That's BS! I need to stand up for more than 8 hours with my first job and I also need to wear heels. I was not used wearing those. I admit, my self-esteem went down but I also learned so many things. Respect. I was happy with my first job, but the people around me was too much and I also had issues from home to the point that I got out of the house and moved to my Ninang's place for a while. People here at home expected so much from me and pressured me.

I tried to self-review and took another shot with the licensure examination. But then again, I failed. That's when I told myself that maybe it was just not for me. I got another job after my second failure. I worked as a clerk in the Radiology Department. At first, I really grateful because Joseph also works there and the job is somehow related to my course. That's what I thought. It was okay at first but the working environment was too toxic! The chief was too controlling and even our co-workers were not considerate. Our workmates know that Joseph and I were in a relationship. They would tease me everytime that Joseph is not around. For me, it is not appropriate because we just barely knew each other and they would even tell me that? There are also times that I feel like they are good to me only when Joseph is around and I know they talk behind my back. So immature! I am also the one who had so much work but the pay? Nevermind! They don't even bother to help me. I was stressed af so I decided to resign again.

"Buti pa sya, pahila-hilata na lang nagkaka-pera pa din"
"Ang sarap naman ng buhay mo. Hindi ka nagta-trabaho pero kumakain ka at nakakabili ng gusto. Sarap"
"Wala na namang trabaho si Elaine"
"Hindi naman yan marunong maglaba o ng kahit anong gawaing bahay!"
"Marunong ka pala maghugas ng plato?"
"Palagi ang kain sa labas!"

After my second job, I've decided not work for the meantime. I was tired of being criticized just because my work was not related to my course. I was also so lost to the point that I even asked myself if I should seek professional help. Joseph said that I don't need it. I should just keep myself busy for the time being. That was when I got back with my first love, blogging. I did not know at first that it was my passion. I just like to do it and I am happy doing it.  I did not know that this blog would grow and open more opportunities for me.

People would think that I am 'lucky' just because I don't work but I still get money from the business that my Mom left me. Some people would think that I am just lazy. For the record, I don't work because I had my reasons. Some people would say that I don't know any household chores. Maybe because they think that I am still the spoiled brat that they know? Don't talk like you know everything about when in fact, we don't even see each other or even talk. Got that? I am not the girl you used to know. Just to clear things out, I do my own laundry. I know how to cook, wash the dishes or even clean the house. Since when? Ever since my Mom died, I do my own thing and even though my Mom died, I know how to do those things. I am so tired of hearing b*llsh*t from other people! Don't talk to me like that as if you're the one who sent me to school, gave me money or fed me. I am doing almost everything on my own ever since my Mom died. Only a few people helped me and I am very much thankful of them.

I always go out on a date with Joseph especially last year. We are now in our 6th year. He was my rock and my best friend. I consider him as my 'home' and I am me when I am with him. He was one of the reason why I did not work or why I chose to work at home. I wanted to spend time with him before he migrated to the US and it was all worth it. I like my work and the pay was even better than my previous jobs. I am really thankful that he is very supportive of what I like to do.

"Bakit ang taba mo?"
"Ang taba-taba mo na, magpapayat ka naman!"

I once answered back a relative, "What's wrong with being fat?" This is the second thing that I hate to hear. I am diagnosed with PCOS since I was 18 years old. It was not easy to maintain my weight because every time I take my medicines, I gain weight even though I don't eat too much. But don't worry! I enrolled myself in a gym, not because I want to look good for you people, I am doing this for myself, my health and my body.

"Trying hard masyado!"
"Bago mo sabihing blogger ka, ayusin mo muna grammar mo!"
"Di naman maganda ang feed nya, bakit sya blogger?"
"Blogger ka? Dapat ganito ganyan!"

I may not be fluent in English but I still like to blog and write stuff. I write in English because I want others from around the world to understand what I am writing. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. If I look trying hard to you, then please don't read my blog or follow me on social media. Simple right? If you insist to read it and bash me, you're the one who has a problem. Normal people don't do that. Maybe you're not normal? Bleh! :p Other people's definition of bloggers might be different nowadays but don't expect me to have a nice feed or to pose like a pro. I focus here on my blog. My photos may not be the best, but this is how I do it. I only use my smartphone.

By the way, I block people on social media. Why? Maybe it's better to ask yourself! :p

I was once cheeky and bubbly. I joined a marching band as a majorette when I was 11 years old. I love to dance back then. I joined a photojournalism in high school. I helped in making our school website. I wrote romance stories too. I miss my adventurous teenager self and also the lovable kid I once were. But what happened to me now? I am now the lost millennial finding herself in the middle of nowhere. Just kidding! People might think I have an attitude problem. But the truth is, if I don't like you or if I think you're a toxic person, don't expect me to be nice to you. I distance myself from toxic people.

I've been quiet for so long. This is the first time I opened this up. I still feel lost but not like the previous ones. I still haven't found myself but I am happy where I am right now. I am stronger and wiser than ever. I learned so many things but the most important thing for me is I learned to love myself. I may be the 'talk of the town' or I may have haters, but self-love helped me get through a lot.

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